campus tour

I'm starting my first semester of grad school this fall. I've been living on campus for a year and did a lot of my paperwork with the early arrival group, since I was already, you know, here. Today, I got an email which read:

Dear Graduate Student,
The Graduate School is planning an in-depth Orientation for incoming students, which will include campus tours for graduate students. We would like graduate students to lead the tours to give students a perspective from another graduate student. We will provide basic guidelines on sites to visit, but students are free to personalize the tour based on their experiences. The tours will be <time details>, and will begin and end at <location details>. If you are interested in volunteering to help out your fellow students, please contact me by email to sign-up.
We sincerely appreciate your help in welcoming the new graduate students to campus!
Thank you,
<name>

I found this thoroughly amusing and began to narrate possible tours that I could give to myself.

Welcome! We're going to start at that Lawrence Apartment complex, since that's where you live. You sleep, cook, and hang out with your husband here. You have a garden that's in a state of late-summer post-hurricane decay. There might be some tomatillos left to harvest, since they can survive nuclear apoclypse. Anyway, Lawrence. It's lovely. Moving on.

Now we'll skip on over to the CS Building since that ranks #2 in the time that you spend there. This is your office, which smells a little off. Maybe they'll put your name outside the door eventually, I don't know. These are offices for relevant people, like your advisor and group mates. These other places are where you have meetings, reading group, and classes. They're fun, I promise. And finally the tea room and the mail room, where you don't have a mailbox yet. Patience, little one.

Off in that direction you can find food. Your husband works over there, across the street. The Engineering library is over there, and Firestone is way off in that direction. You can take out novels and Russian history books there. Have fun with that.

This is the health center; everyone is pretty awesome here. The gym is this way, but you hate going there. The only thing you use it for is the squash courts and the pool, which has far too many people in it, except for the times you're not supposed to be there.

I think that pretty much sums it up. Wasn't that fun?  I'm going to go take a nap now, okay?