I almost wish it were a headache; at least that way I could take an ibuprofen and be done with it. Instead, there’s a dull ache in my jaw from a set of teeth that would churn the world into butter overnight, if they had the chance. The idea is to keep eating pretzels until it goes away, but it might not be as simple as that. These pearly whites, or at least chocolate-stained creams, also set themselves against a deck of psychological desires, and not least of all the desire for purpose. There are no pretzels for that.
So I sit at the window and lust for the past. I certainly don’t have enough money to create such a fantasy for myself--an elaborate historical reenactment--but nor do I have so little as to be driven to action by need; there’s an odd blessing in poverty. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is static, frozen in one moment for all time, and everyone reaching simultaneously, no one satisfied. But then I emerge from my narrow view as if God pressed the play button in my brain, only to realize that it’s not one moment but several, playing indefinitely, over and over again. I could probably make some kind of connection to the frame rate of this eternal moving picture, but the analogy is stretched already and I need to sweep up the pile of salt that has accumulated.
What I would really love is a farm: acres and acres for fruit trees, vegetables, and flowers; chickens, waterfowl, and sheep. (I’d still import my chocolate, vanilla, and sugar; there’s only so much you can do on your own.) I’d love to wear wool and make wooden furniture; bake bread and press cheese. I want to do it now, I don’t want to wait until I’m no longer able physically. But I won’t be financially able for a while. Owning land is no trivial business, it seems. I also want to go to grad school. I love what I’m studying. Is it odd to want to be two different people at once? Don’t tell me, I know I need to find the balance between the two. But I'll keeping coming back to the impossible dream and repeating myself as long as the balance is still off.
Alright, now that that’s out of my system, I can go clean the house. Maybe I was just trying to find the motivation to do that. It's all just a mind game sometimes. The whole lot of it.